Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
dude. I can hear the air.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
