oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize