My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
