I'm so fucking centered right now
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize