Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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