Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
