What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize