Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
