i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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