I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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