I am in a vortex of obligation.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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