So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize