the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
