You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
