new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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