Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
