matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
