Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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