Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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