I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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