I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
