38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
