But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
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Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
