I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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