If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
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