she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
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