This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
