Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
We are all done wearing pants today
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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