Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
