i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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