Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
