my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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