She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Threesome in a minivan. New low
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
