i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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