Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
