I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
