Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Randomize
