obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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