dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I met the friendliest cop last night
do herpes really smell.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize