i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
