Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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