why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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