Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
