He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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