Can Purell be used as lube?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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