Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
This baby is an asshole
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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