his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
