i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize