Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
