We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I pour the whiskey from now on
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
