She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
