There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
