that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
