Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
