used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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