She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
