You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
