my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
