I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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