capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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