Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize