I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I have already put on my inside pants.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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