From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
40s are totally the cure
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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