and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
