remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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