"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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