well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
