Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize