i would punch a child for taco bell
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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